Growing Closer by Falling Apart

Anyone have May 18th in the poll of when Jamie would finally lose her mind entirely? Consider yourself a winner!

As any parent knows, some days are just hard. This morning was marked with screaming, arguing, & ill-temperedness all around... with some physical assaults thrown in for good measure. Both Josh and Cara were sick last week, so we faced 10 days of limited outside time, zero playdates and criminal amounts of Sprout. By yesterday, everyone was fully recovered... just in time for the rain to start. So I get it, we're all a bit stir crazy. But Yaojie was just having an especially tough morning --the cereal was not poured quickly enough, the wrong colored spoon was offered, he did not get the carseat of choice in the minivan (causing him to chant "Never! Never! Never!..." the whole way to Josh's preschool --thereby causing Josh to shriek "You can't say never! You can't say never!..." and me to wonder how I can safely soundproof the entire second and third row seating.) I then had two friends and their children over and Yaojie remained just one baby-step above full tantrum mode the entire time. We've been trying to be stricter with Yaojie --you're welcome, future kindergarten teacher-- and this has proven to mean that a meltdown is never far from the surface. And the meltdowns came in force today --I couldn't locate the "small red basketball" he wanted, the puzzle pieces wouldn't snap together correctly, Playdoh and the couch don't mix... Eventually, he started doing things just to get a rise out of me: Cara would walk by and he'd say, "hit" and give her a swat; he'd topple a chair for the fun of it. I tried reverse psychology: "You threw all the balls down the steps? Good idea! Studying gravity at such a young age!" I tried ignoring: "Ho, hum, I do not see you ripping the page from the book". I tried praise: "Good aim!" But as the day wore on and my patience wore thin, and Josh and Cara grew bitter from the dose of neglect I was forced to dish out --that's when the hitting started. Yaojie started hitting me, kicking me, biting, spitting, all in a whirlwind of sadness and anger.

At 3:30 I sent Eric a text to the effect of if he didn't leave work right now then there was going to be a Jamie-shaped hole in the wall. And then I burst into tears. I was alone with Yaojie in his room --Cara and Josh being kept busy by the box of Popsicles I gave them so I could engage Yaojie in yet another "time in" in his room. Oh, I know --I know-- that seeing your mother cry is scary. Bad idea. Bad parenting. (I'm still reeling from seeing my own mother cry. After the Pirates lost a playoff game to Atlanta in 1992. OK, it was my mom and dad... and brother, but I digress...) But I had reached the pinnacle of frustration --and when it rains, it pours. I went into the boys' bathroom, sat down, and sobbed. It had been a long time coming --months of paperwork, waiting, anticipating, traveling to China, leaving behind Josh and Cara, bonding with Yao, ending up in the hospital, dealing with behavioral challenges times three. 'What,' I couldn't help but think 'have I done?'

And then there was Yaojie, by my side. By then I was calmed & embarrassed. He handed me a Kleenex and put his arms around me. He kissed my cheek. I pulled him onto my lap, told him I was sorry, told him I was trying hard and that I knew that everything was hard on him. And then he did something he had never done. He told me a little bit about China. He told me "China different". He told me he liked America. He told me that in China no one read to him and that he didn't have an mother, only "aunt". Oh, Yaojie. Oh, my 5 year old boy.

So I am going to make some changes --changes to build a closer, stronger, happier family. Isn't that what every mother wants? Ours may be a longer, more winding road. But there will be plenty of beautiful scenery along the way.