Sunday, June 6, 2010

To sleep... perchance to dream...


I am no stranger to sleep deprivation. As a baby, Cara deemed sleep utterly useless and opted instead for alternating between nonstop screaming and nonstop nursing. For 13 months. I spent the later part of 2007 and most of 2008 in a sleep-starved fog. There were times when, intoxicated with fatigue, I had to pull the car over and regain my wits. More than once I pulled over and took a quick cat nap in a random parking lot. I once went to work wearing non-matching shoes. One day I heard the song "Crazy Train" (Ozzy Osboure... don't judge me...) while driving (why was I always driving?!) and, realizing that the song encapsulated my life at the time, I turned it up so loud that I feared I would blow the speakers "I know that things are going wrong for me..." You get the picture: I was tired.

And I'm tired once again. Like Cara*, Yaojie has always wanted me over Eric. Me to wake with him at the crack of dawn. Me to sleep beside his bed. Me to wake with him in the night. This has translated into me not having slept in a bed since China (and if you've been to the White Swan Hotel, that is more board-with-hospital corners than bed) and not having slept in my bed since February.

I know what you are thinking: Let him cry it out. He'll get over it. Lay down the law, Woman. But the truth is that it's easier for me to sleep on his floor. On the rare occasion that I'm feeling risky and try to sleep on the couch --about 10 yards away-- Yaojie wakes in a panic and then starts looking for me. And then I've got two** crying, clinging children on my hands. And Cara likes to sing herself to sleep --and I'm just not usually up for participating in or even hearing her befuddled rounds of Mary Had a Little Lamb at 3am. But when I sleep next to his bed, Yao doesn't wake me in the night. He must sense my presence and dozes on happily and securely. This is important, this trust and security, to all children but to a newly adopted child especially. And when he is in pain during the night, which is often the case, I am right there by his side to smooth his hair and pour the Tylenol. And Cara's babyhood made me realize that I don't care where I sleep... so long as I get to sleep! So I've accepted my new roommates for now and am focusing on the positives, such as the fact that he draws so much comfort from me in the first place. He knows I am always there for him, regardless of time. To him, I am home. Maybe things aren't going so wrong for me after all.

* I should note that Josh has always sought Eric and I equally. And has slept through the night since 3 months. And will sleep until 10am if you let him. Which is why he's my favorite.

** No amount of screaming, wall-banging, or round singing would rouse Josh from his slumber. But Cara will wake if the neighbor opens up a can of Coke.

3 comments:

  1. This is a good spin on it...and I bet your back enjoys your "firm" mattress. This too shall pass...

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  2. Why not just put a mattress on the floor or buy a camping cot? Gotta give yourself a little comfort.

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  3. Honestly, I think it's better to have you on the floor for a bit than a kid in the bed. That seems like a tough habit to break. You're doing great!

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