Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Man's Best Friend?


Let's just say that Yaojie is not a dog lover. We knew this may be an issue --there are not a lot of dogs in China. In fact, we saw only 2 small dogs and a cat the whole time we were there. Random sword dancing in the park: Yes. Dog walking in the park: Not so much. And, never leaving the orphanage, Yaojie certainly would not have had occasion to see the few dogs there are. Our agency even told us not to include pets in any of the photos we sent to China (on a side note, they also told us not to send any nude photos either. I assure you that had I sent nude photos of myself to China, then our dogs would be the least of Yaojie's worries!). Long story short: Our boy is terrified (and I mean screaming-and-trembling-in-his-Nikes (OK, Garanimals)- terrified. And, because of my volunteer work with the Humane Society, we have 3: Malarkey, our tri-colored menace; Grady, who has a deep-seeded paranoia of the floor, the ceiling and everything in between; and Baron, our 17 year old slowsky of a beagle. We are introducing our new son to his 4 legged siblings slowly. We brought the beagles hom from Eric's parents' last week and Malarkey is still at Eric's sister's --AKA Club Med for Dogs. We first showed Yaojie the dogs from afar. "GO!!! NO!!!" was his response. ("Go" means 'dog' in Chinese, which means that all the times I said that to my pups, I wasn't being antisocial, but rather... multicultural). Actually, Yaojie's reaction was more of a visceral yelp "GOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!" He screamed this in such a manner that had Eric offended that Yaojie was telling him to get lost and me making a mental note that our boy might just have the pipes for opera. Later that day, I took Yao to PetSmart and let him choose several types of treats for the dogs. He did not get the same pleasure out of PetSmart that Josh and Cara do --not an animal lover yet, this one! When we arrived home, Yaojie was excited about giving the beagles their treats. he didn't want to hand feed them, so, through pantomime, I suggested he throw them from the balcony. He ran out onto the balcony, screaming "GOOOO!!" in his guttural bark, and then threw the entire bag of treats over the balcony, much to the delight of Grady and Baron. It was one of my favorite Yaojie moments --his bellowing and the tossing of the treats. A week later, his fear remains. He did pet Baron from the safe haven of my arms, but this fear is very real and something we will work on every day.

Today at the park, we were having a picnic lunch and another family was sharing the other end of the picnic table. Unbeknownst to Yaojie, their standard poodle was laying under the table at his feet --and when he did notice, I was taken aback by his ability to launch himself vertically into the air. Yaojie may never be a dog lover, and that's OK. But we will help him to allay his fears. But the trip to PetSmart was not a total loss. I will play back the memory of him throwing those treats when I think back to the days of falling in love with Yaojie and hopefully he will look back at a time when his mother patiently helped him to face his fears, the way mothers do. And if nothing else, I did learn not to let Yaojie hold the bulk dog treats in the car, because no amount of pantomime can convince a perpetually hungry 5 year old that those little "cookies' are not for human consumption.

Easy Like Sunday Morning


There was something about this morning. All 3 kids sat at the art table painting watercolors of pandas and complementing each other's work. Eric and I sat at the kitchen table, discussing the paper and drinking Chai tea. It was a scene from any household on a weekend morning. And in those moments, it all seems to easy.

Of course, in time, the water spills, the whining resumes, Josh finds a way to launch the others into annoyance-induced fits, and one of them unfortunately locates a flute.

But those moments --those moments of a new family falling into their rhythm, finding their harmony-- they are rejuvenating. They are what I will remember when I look back on this time.

Rhapsody at Trader Joe's

What a joy it is the show Yaojie the world. The park, a bike ride, the supermarket, the backyard swing set --it takes so little to evoke such delight. As to not overwhelm him, we are keeping his world small --introducing new people and experiences slowly. For him, the necessary monotony of orphanage life has given way to an explosion of newness. While grocery shopping today, he squealed with delight at the row of red carts, delighted that he would have the opportunity to ride in one. He pointed our the English words he already knows: "Oh! Banana! Apples! Chicken! Juice! Chocolate!" (I have mentioned his love affair with all things edible...) He excitedly helped me pile things in the cart --learning new words as we shopped: "Turkey...seeds...chips..." So many items that he's not seen before. I handed him butter and he asked through pantomime whether it should be eaten or spread on his diaper rash. I showed him colored pasta and he asked was it for the dog. He applauded when I put jelly in the cart. What a reminder to applaud the simple opportunity to watch my son's world open up, one small excursion at a time.

Here Comes the Sun...

Thank you, Sunshine. Because of you, 5 Trickles were able to spend the afternoon outside, running, chasing, laughing, hiding, growling, snarling, attacking... pretending to be dragons. (we ARE talking about 2 boys and a tomboy here!) It was a beautiful thing to see the universal language of play bring my kids together for a common goal: To gang up on there mother. All three laughed and scampered away as I chased and twirled them and spun a web of tales involving kings, a pink princess, a castle, and random kangaroos (I choose to applaud Josh's eccentric side...) No jealousy, no tantrums, no walking on eggshells. Only giggles and squeals of delight as they worked together to bring me down in a brutal overthrow *tear*. To any passer-by we would have been not a family who has been together for only six days, but simply a family. Playing and laughing in the sun.

Bonding Backwards




Yaojie and I play happily with blocks, we paint and smile at each other's work. If I read, then he wants to "read" beside me. If I take out my notebook to make a list, he takes out his to also write. We hold hands and one laughs when the other puts on a silly hat. Like any mother and her 5 year old son.

Yaojie and I cuddle in his bed to read or play with stickers. I marvel at his bath time waterfalls, each higher than the last. I come when he calls out in the night, stroke his sweaty head when he is upset. We delight together in the boats passing by our window. Like any mother and her toddler son.

Yaojie lays in my lap when he's tired, listening to me sing quiet lullabies. I carry him and he rests his sleepy head on my shoulder. He wants me near him and seeks me out when I'm not. Like any mother and her infant son.

We are bonding backwards in order to bond forwards. Learning our roles. Falling in love.

Moving Right Along


Partly because of the weather (our arrival was met with a 40 degree drop in temperature accompanied by continuous wind and rain...) & partly because of our need for proximity to the hotel (for both bathroom and meltdown reasons), we have yet to venture off the island here in Guangzhou. We've spent today and yesterday poking around town --there are several souvenir-type shops around the hotel and the hotel itself if like a little city. We've spent a lot of time at the deli/bakery right next to the hotel. They have something for everyone: Pastries for me, noodles for Eric and also Yaojie's favorite meal, which is food in mass quantities. We sit and eat, watching other families come and go. It seems that this part of Guangzhou is a lovely little town, but right now almost all of the roads in town are completely torn apart due to construction. And I do mean completely apart!! Danger awaits at every turn as we stroll along the streets, at times teetering on makeshift ramps with the stroller-- jackhammers pounding on either side. Luckily, growing up in Pittsburgh prepared me for not only the weather, but also the nonstop construction. We even saw a group of construction workers under a tarp playing cards and eating noodles on the job --Chinese PennDot? (that one was for my Pittsburgh friends) :) We have been doing a lot of shopping --souvenirish stuff as well as finer things to share with Yaojie over the years. Yesterday, our Consolate appointment went well (we didn't have to go) and today we go to take the oath. We are going to try to get Yaojie to take an oath as well while we are there... ;) Our time in China is winding down --tomorrow is our last full day, but we are all ready to go home, having many fond memories of China to look back on.

A Little Bit of China




As our time left in China slips away, I'm trying to think about things to buy for Yaojie that he may want in the future. It's easy to see what he wants now: Food! Toys! More Food! But I am thinking of years down the line --what will he want to have from his birthplace? What will I wish I had to give him? We've bought him a traditional Chinese outfit (adorable!) and a corduroy hat, nice chopsticks, a framed silk children's picture, some odds and ends. I bought a photo album with traditional Chinese fabric in red (good luck) to put his 100 wishes in. I am looking for a nice piece of jewelry to one day give to his bride. I am keeping my eyes open for other things that encapsulate his culture to be given throughout his life. I like to think that one day all 5 of us (never will I travel again without my children!!) will come to China and see Yao's birthplace, the place where he laughed and cried for over 5 years. I like to think that Yaojie will return here, perhaps with his work one day, perhaps with his family. I feel sad about taking him from his culture and a little guilty, too. It's so unfortunate, the circumstances that led him to us --but at the same time, we are so grateful for the chance to have him as our son, to raise him, to give him a good life and to have a better life because he is in it. We will make sure that he is a part of two rich cultures and I will bring little pieces of China to give him along the way.

Mama


From the start, Yaojie has called Eric and I "mama" and "baba". It is wonderful to hear those words from him. But I have also heard him call the cab driver "baba" and our guide, as well as the other American mother here "mama". To him, perhaps these words mean nothing --more like a first name than a title wrapped in security and love. It stings a bit to hear him use the term mama indiscriminately, but really, is it any wonder? He came from a wonderful orphanage, but the best orphanage in the world is still just that, an orphanage. What does "mama" mean to him... perhaps not much. His nannies certainly cared well for him, but his was a series of nannies caring for 500 children. Together, they did one job of a mother, they fed him, bathed him, taught him manners, laughed with him, played with him, taught him to brush his teeth. But does Yaojie know that a mother wipes your tears, holds you when it storms, rocks you to sleep, strokes your hair as you cuddle, walks the halls with you when you are sick. Did Yaojie have this? Who sat with him during his 8 month hospital stay at age 2? Who calmed his fears, eased his pain, brought a smile? Maybe someone. Maybe a rotating shift of nurses. Maybe no one. So I am going to enjoy his calling me mama and as I show him what this means, I will revel in the fact that one day when he calls "Mama," he will mean only me.

Dinner


One of the great things about our hotel --and there are many, in fact, this hotel is not open to the public, only businesspersons and dignitaries such as the Trickles-- is its proximity to the city center. It's a 15 minute walk (more, since I'm carrying and extra 35 pounds of Yaojie + whatever he's snacking on at the time :) Tonight, we walked with the other adopting couple to dinner at a food-court type place. I found some delicious looking noodles and rice dishes that I knew we would like. I tried to motion to what the chef was preparing in the wok and then point to myself and shake my head "yes". Can you believe he did not understand this sophisticated means of communication? :) The chef and other workers kept asking me all sorts of questions, none of which I understood (which reminds me, Ni Hao Kailan really failed me as preparation for this trip --all I can say is "red" "hello" and "slippers"...) At last, he made the dish. Now I had both dishes that I wanted but when I went to pay, they motioned me towards a kiosk. After standing there, befuddled and smiling for a long while, I understood that I had to pay elsewhere and went to pay. At the kiosk, they showed me a sign that said to use a debit card. I presented my credit card and they said "NO". Nor did they want cash --what does a girl have to do to get her boy some noodles? In the end, I realized that you have to prepay on a card and then use the card to buy the food... *duh*, makes sense to me now! My victory at securing the food was short-lived since that's when Yaojie spotted the orange pop and threw himself right down when I told him "no"... here we go again! People lined up to stare. I was just about ready to call a cab and head home --Yao wants me to carry him everywhere, which I happily do, but it is taking a toll on this out-of-shape mom!! Anyway, he calmed, ate his noodles, ate our rice, ate the meat, even ate onion soup with one hand and chocolate ice cream with the other. Things were good. My happy little boy was back. That's when he had an accident in his pants and because this is painful for him, he screamed our in pain continuously. I ran to the bathroom, mentally determining how I was going to get him home pantless. We get in the stall, discard the diaper and realize the. stall. has. no. toilet. paper. In fact, there is not toilet paper in the entire room. Luckily, the other mom came to the rescue. The same thing happened on the way home and I had to change him in the public hard. As I mentally calculated just how much money we would have left after I had to post bail... But all in all it was a happy day. Yes, there were tantrums, but that is expected and also far surpassed by the love, smiles, and joy that the day also brought.

Highs & Lows




Today we visited a shopping district in Shanghai --this city is HUGE-- and it was nice to see some of the more traditional Chinese items for sale, compared to the very modern and somewhat Westernized part of the city where we are staying. We bought a few items, but our shopping was curtailed by a 20 minute tantrum in the middle of a bustling square. Our guide had gone into the sild factory with the other family and Yaojie had a major meltdown --in retrospect, I should have just bought the toy!! Of course, it wasn't just about the toy, he's been such a trooper almost all of the time, but sometimes the changes, the sensory overload, the communication barrier and the medical aspect just culminate in a kicking-and-screaming display. I sure don't blame him --but I go the feeling that some of the locals who gathered around us in a semicircle to watch sure blamed us! There we were, 2 Americans holding a raging Chinese 5 year old... we were met with stares, suggestions of spanking him, and offers for more toys to buy... none of which were helpful! Eric went to get our guide, who Yaojie went to right away and calmed down, leaving me feeling dejected, but still thankful that he was calm. I should note that Yaojie had a similar meltdown at 3am because he wanted to go downstairs and have a big meal --no cracker, pb&j sandwich, banana or grape would do... my boy likes to EAT! In this case he eventually wore himself out but then wanted to stay up and play. One good thing is that he still wanted me right next to him despite being upset and immediately wanted a hug once he calmed down. But for most of the day, Yaojie was very happy and easygoing. He behaved wonderfully at breakfast (keep that congee coming!), in the taxi, on a boat ride, when the waitress never brought our lunch and we had no way to explain that we hadn't received it, during a cool tea ceremony we went to... he really is very mature in many ways. My almost-4 year old would never have sat for so long! And we had a very nice quiet time in the room, playing with stickers and Playdoh. He did have 2 more tantrums, one because we just couldn't understand whe it was he wanted to play with and the other because he wanted pop.. now that one deserves its own entry... :)

Paperwork, Pigs Feet & a Tantrum at Last


Love is patient... love is kind... love is when your child chooses eel and pigs feet from the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet and you agree to it...

Today was a morning of paperwork and an afternoon strolling around downtown Shanghai --our hotel is in a great location to walk around the city. We made a trip to the notary to finalize paperwork, making Yaojie an official Trickle (he later even had a 40 minute "yes-I-do-insist-on-one-more-granola-bar" tantrum to proove it!) Yaojie was incredibly well-behaved at the notary, despite the 2 cups of latte he was given by our guide... ;) He is just so mild-mannered and compliant (despite said tantrum). Perhaps born of necessity, he as been taught excellent behavior and self-help skills. One thing he loves to do it pretent to write in a little notebook that I sent to him months ago and in which the orphanage staff wrote good-luck messages. He makes a series of dots and lines, and I think he finds this soothing --or perhaps it is Morse Code for 'get me away from these crazies' He often gestures for me to bring it to him. In fact, he doesn't have much difficulty at all using gestures to make himself clear. He is already repeating words in English and understands a lot of what we say. He continues to eat like a line backer --he squealed with pure delight upon seeing the breakfast buffet, but then, so did Eric. His notes form the orphanage state that he does not like cucumbers --cucumbers? When I dish food onto his plate, he stretches his arms out, implying that he wants a large amount. He is so clever, we can already see that he has great reasoning skills, an impressive memory and good sense of direction (yes...he does correct me when I continuously leave the hotel room and walk the wrong way to the elevator). We have been spending a lot of time with the other family, who is adopting Lei. It has been awesome to share this experience and Lei is wonderful at helping Yaojie feel comfortable. Although, I will say that when Best Buy was broadcasting Steeler Super Bowl highlights, they did not share my enthusiasm. Nor did Yao, which will necessitate a Terrible Towel intervention upon arrival home. So, in short, Yaojie is officially ours and we are officially in love.

Wonderful Yaojie


What a great first day for all of us! We met Yaojie at a local hotel with 4 other families who were meeting their little ones for the first time. He came in to the little conference room where we were filling out paperwork and came up to us right away, calling us Mama and Baba (Baba means both Dad & Poop, but we are not going to read into that one too much...) He was a bit nervous, but so were we! I gave him a bunch of Matchbox cars and we sat down on the floor to play together --crash derby, of course... aren't boys all the same? He had with him all of the gifts and cards we had sent, and also many special gifts from the orphanage, including a yearbook-type album of pictures of him and the facility. What a very special place it seems to be! We filled out a bit more paperwork and off we went-- Mother, Father, Son, a new family of 5. Some things about Yaojie that really stand out: He has the most pleasant personality, very happy, smily and silly. He loves to laugh, which is good because we love to do silly things! He loves to draw (which is great, but I'll tell you I did not find the improptu art session at 2am particularly enjoyable ;) He does have some difficulty with physical strength, but is very active. We walked all around downtown Shanghai (OK, he was carried for most of it, but we took it as a good sign that he wanted us to carry him!!) He enjoyed playing at a local park. He is all boy, gasping in delight when we pass a bus or motorcycle. (although, much unlike his brother, he walked right by a vacuum cleaner without declaring his undying love...) There is another couple here with us who adopted an adorable, lively and incredibly helpful 9 year old girl from the same orphanage. It's been great having other Americans to navigate Shanghai with! Yaojie communicates very well with us, using gestures. He does not speak much to us, he knows a glazed-over look when he sees one. But he chats happily with Lei, the little girl. At dinner, she translated for us that he would like a steak sandwich! One thing about Yaojie. The. Boy. Can. Eat. He never stops eating!! He is certainly a boy after his father's heart! When we met, the guide translated for us that he wanted to go to the supermarket! We took him just to grab a few things to tide him over until lunch --he plowed through fruit, vegetable, break, & cracker with little distinction! He even ate the boiling pot of chicken that we were inexplicably served at lunch. We are about to go to breakfast now at the hotel, and I do believe he will have them rethinking the All-You-Can-Eat policy. In short: Aren't children grand?

Funny Side Note: True to his culture, Yaojie arrived to us with no fewer than 3 layers of clothing and a winter coat --it's 50 degrees! He happily word a turtleneck, sweater, sweatshirt, pants, and long johns! Anyway, after a bath, I put him in short sleeved pajamas. In a very animated and shocked way, he kept motioning from his forearm to wrist and putting up his palms --"where is it?" Luckily, I put the long sleeved jammies on right away. What a cutie!

Gotcha!


A glimpse. A smile. A touch of the cheek. An embrace. Strangers become family. Four becomes five. This was the day we've waited for, hoped for, fretted about, prayed for and looked forward to with the butterflies-in-stomach anticipation that only a new child can bring. Today we met our new son. As we waited in the meeting room with the other families, I was struck by the enormity of the moment --this is the child I will teach to ride a bike, put on the bus to kindergarten, watch make friends, teach to drive, dance with at his wedding, and thank God for every day of my life. But, in the end, the moment was really quite simple. Parents and child meet. Their shared journey begins. Away we go...

Planes, Trains, Automobiles, a Minibus & a Tram


Picture it: Friday 2/26, Trickle House, 6pm. Our flight to Newark: Canceled for the morning due to wind gusts --OK, I could see if the wind was 60 miles per hour, but it was only 58! Our flight to Shanghai: Questionable. Suitcases: Unpacked. Necessary Documents: Unfilled out. Josh & Cara: Disgruntled over the cheese and raisins we've offered them for dinner. It seemed a nervous breakdown was imminent. Then we learned that if we did not make it to Newark for our morning flight, then there was not another available flight to Shanghai until Wednesday, which would not allow us enough time to process paperwork before out 3/8 Consulate appointment, meaning, we could somehow make it to Newark by morning, or wait weeks or months for a new Consolate appointment. The mere thought of waiting even more more day to bring Yaojie home --and to start our life as a family of five...well, that had padded walls written all over it. So, we booked 2 tickets from Amtrak, packed in a fury, loaded the kids into the car, and arranged for Eric's parents to drive us to Union Station. In DC. In the middle of the night. Luckily, they are suckers for adventure. We were at Union Station for 2 hours and then nearly missed our train when we realized that we were not waiting where the trains depart with the other ticketed customers. Instead, we were in a chaired area with, we'll say, the non-ticketed customers. (side note: Eric came out of the men's room shuddering. He still can't talk about what he saw). Thanks to a fellow traveler, we realized our error and were soon on the 3:15am Newark-bound train. Luckily, seated behind us was both a baby and a toddler, so we felt right at home. At Newark, we were told that since we were not on the first plane (yes, the canceled one!) that we lost out reservations to Shanghai... WHAT?! Oh, no, we would be on that plane! After several failed attempts to get assistance, I finally found a kindly security guard and promptly burst into tears while telling him our story..."wind...cancelled...Amtrak...public restroom...Shanghai...Yao..." He took me by the hand, cut me in front of the hundreds who were waiting and allowed me to check in and reclaim my tickets. If you are going to have a breakdown, might as well use it to your favor, right? In the end, we made it to Shanghai on a nonstop --albeit bumpy-- ride, located the luggage that we reported as lost when in fact we just didn't recognize our suitcase, met with our guide, made it to the hotel, and even met another family adopting from the same orphanage.

And now it is 8:15pm Sunday in Shanghai --and we haven't slept since Thursday... on that note, good night! Tomorrow, we meet our new son!